Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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