I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
