i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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