I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
