So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She's the barista slut.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
