Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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