I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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