The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
