I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
