thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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