Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
