i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
