when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
