Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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