Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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