Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
