Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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