I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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