i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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