Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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