we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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