He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
