I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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