Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
