I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
