I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Success! We fucked roommates!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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