Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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