don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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