help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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