I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
