Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
