My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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