My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
