My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
