what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The air was thick with penises
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
