he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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