If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
