hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
