I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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