You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
