I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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