Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
