Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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