Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
