The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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