There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
