I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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