I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited