Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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