you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
