Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
