Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
