every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
